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Friday, 09 May 2008

Another blog.

The last few days things have been really out there, with doctors appointments and other things thats going on. No matter how many times I try I dont feel like I am making everyone in my life happy. My ex-boyfriend (no names being mentioned) really put the damper on me when he verbally and physically abused me. I dont know what I did to deserve that treatment, what did I do for this treatment from him. Its really not important to him because it was not him getting hurt at the time. I guess thinking and seeing people today that I have not seen in a long time made me think about Life and things going on within my life. My daughter prettty much takes up most of my life and I really dont see anything else taking up my time. About a year ago or so I got my tubes cut, tied, and burned but a friend of mine pointed out that it was wrong to have them done, because if he wanted to have more kids that I wouldnt be able to do that and that a realtionship wouldnt happen either due to the fact that I had this surgery done. This surgery is permenant but the thing is that I can still have children, it would be more painful for me to have kids but if I loved the man I was with it wouldnt matter to me. Underline matter!!!!!. I dont understand people, really dont understand people.
I dont understand many things, why people have kids and then dont want them and abuse them, there are people out there really wanting kids and it doesnt matter if you can take care of the child but if you can give them all the love you have to offer. With those who do have kids and know what I am talking about, you hold your children close and dear to your heart. I know that in my life there are many important people. My mother is one because she gave birth to me, she loved me and helped me grow up to be who I am today. I think that she is the most important person besides my daughter. She has given me so much and so little for herself. She always made sure her children were provided for, and if that meant she had to go without then so be it. My mother is the one hero in my life that I have always wanted to be. She is strong, and knows what to do when it comes to burns, illness and other major things that comes with having children. Not too mention that she lets me live with her for nothing, and I appreciate it so much that there is no way to be able to show her my affection and appreciation that I have for her. She has come far and she really has pushed me far in life today. She is what makes me who I am, but she also makes me the person I dont want to be. I know that people have called me a bad mother, but within the last few months I have improved considerably. I am on medication to help with mood swings and the depression I suffer from. That is no excuse to be a bad parent though, lazyness is the cause of that. I am a single parent and I love my daughter with all my heart in the world, I wouldnt take her back for anything. I would give my life to save hers and really give her my heart if she needed it. I would drop to my knees and take every blow that life is going to throw at her when she gets older. I know that I cant always be there for my daughter but I love her more then life.
Some say that I am a really big bitch and that I dont deserve anything. I know that I am not perfect, far from begin perfect in any such way. Why is it people think that about you. Why is it that people cant see you for who you really are down deep inside. I am really a good person and really am good at heart, I would give anyone money and a place to live at a glance. I am a person who likes to read books, write stories, and I love to paint. Nobody knows me but my parents and my family. Other people judge me very quickly. I am a really big hearted person and love being around people. I think that if people got to know me that they would really like me. Dont judge me! Ever!
update

Heres a little update for all those who do read my blogs, and know what I am talking about. Cheyenne is now going to be 2 1/2 months old and it feels like only yesterday that I brought her home in a little bundle and we started our life together. A year went by and she began to crawl, and then walk and then began to become independent on her own. She really has become a strong little lady in her mama's eyes. She really has grown to be a young lady since she was born, I know shes only two but still she acts more grown up then she really is supposed to be. I can only see her growing up to be a strong, healthy young women who takes care of herself. I think that those children who grow up too fast, make there parents proud. Cheyenne has finally begun to talk, woooo hooo, she really has started putting words together and really begun to mimic people. She has taken a liking to her uncle, and really likes to follow him around when she can. She has slept her in big bed for almost a year now. It is hard to break her of bad habits but I seem to begin pushing her to do more things on her own, she loves playing dress up and putting layers of layers of clothese on to see how many she can get on, yes I have pictures. She loves to play on big boy toys: four wheelers, and any other toy out there made for boys. We see her as a tom boy and a little farmer, she loves getting dirty and pointing out little bugs in the yard. She has grown into a bright intelligent young lady and soon she will be 3 a few, few months from now, not any tiem soon, (thank god). Her speech has come very far from what it has been, my brother and parents seem to teach her new and interesting words. Like Po Po-short for cops, and of course Porky and piggy, no swear words though not allowed to swear around her very much, she picks up too easy. Plus she loves to go outdoors, the last week or so its been really crappy weather so we let her outdoors today and she ran that energy off, thank god tomorrow will be just as nice as today was maybe less of a wind. She loves to play with her toys, especially her dolls but she likes playing with cars, must be a stage shes going through not too mention shes going throught that lovely NO stage right now.
I look at pictures of her when she was just born and I see her pictures now, and the transformation from such a little tiny thing and to what she is now is amazing, its like watching a flower bloom in the spring time, you know that the flower will bloom eventually but when it does it will be the most prettiest thing you did ever see. She looks more and more like me everyday, well I was hoping she would look like me, but she does have the other half's face features and clumsyness. She does have a few strange things about her though, she walks into things out of nowhere. Its not funny but deep down you wanna laugh. She has just come so far as begin a little girl that no matter how old she gets shes always going to be my little girl true and blue.
Another Poem

You are missing the growth of your daughter.
You missed her first breathe, the first wiggling of her toes.
You missed the first time she looked at me and knew it was me.
You missed her first home coming, and you missed her first night at home.
You missed the first time I fed her, and the first time she had a bath.
The next few months flew by like the changing of seasons.
You missed her first rolling over in her crib.
You missed her first real solid food, and her first time in a bath tub.
You missed her first pictures begin done, and her first time begin outside.
The doctors appointments, the smiles, the big beautiful eyes.
You missed her first crawling movements, easter, thanksgiving and christmas.
You missed her first baby steps and you missed her first words.
You missed everything she is about, her personality and her shine.
There is so much to her that you wouldnt know where to start.
You missed her first "mama" and her first "dada".
You missed her first big real steps and finally you missed her first birthday.
These were the important days of her life and you missed them all.
You missed her first christmas when she was not even a year old.
I dont know how someone could miss something like that and not care at all.
You managed Valentines Day a month early.
You missed out on the rest of the holidays, so what is one to you.
You finally missed her growing up, her begin the way she is.
Sleeping in her own bed and begin her own little self.
I dont know how I would manage if I didnt get to see all those things happen to her.
I keep to myself the very sad thoughts, that you missed this all.
You will never get those memories back, they will be inbedded in my head.
I have the pictures, the memories and the first hand experience to witness it all.
The title says it all.

Would You, Could You, Can You, Will You
Would you take the shirt off your back
to warm your child's skin
would you neglect food
to fill her empty stomach
would you take out your heart
so hers can continue beating
Could you stop her pain and fears
from this honest world
Could you resist to let her go
When she marries to anotehr man, who will take your little girl away and make her a women
Could you bare to watch her in pain
While your grandchild is born
Can you be the father she's always wanted
Can you be there for her when she needs you
Can yuo allow yourself the heart wrenching thought of her growing up
Will you stand next to her when you give her away without shedding a tear
Will you be strong for her when her mother passes on
Will you just be a friend and father to her no matter what it takes

Wednesday, 05 March 2008

Hello,
I just wanted to introduce myself and let everyone know who I am. I am a 23 year old Native of New York upstate for almost 21 years. I am originaly from Pennsylvania, moved here in 1984 and lived in Canton for 18 years of my life with my parents, older sister and younger brother. I went to school in Canton and graduated from there high school as well in June of 2003. I am a single mother of one beautiful daughter named Cheyenne Lakota Hale who was born on January 10, 2006. I have one niece and one nephew, both are the light of my sisters life and I love hanging out with them. One thing that matters to me in my life is my family. My daughter, mother, father, brother and sister. No matter what my family matters more then anything in the world. My life pretty much is a busy life, I go to school full time at Phoenix University Online, will being getting my Bachelor's degree in 2009 and move on too get my Masters and Doctoral shortly afterwards. I am going to be a psychologists, possibly a wedding planner as well. I also have many other ideas for things to do with my life. I also want to someday design my own home, get a dog and take a vacation in a tropical area.
My life goals match with everything going on. I know that doing three jobs in one is really hard to do. I have always wanted to push myself to do so much. I think that if you want to go for your goals, and dreams that is what you should do no matter what happends in life. I know that God also has a play in what has happend to my life and my path that I need to go down. I am really trying to improve my family life, and myself as well because I think and feel that I can improve a lot, attitude wise and just begin a good person.